I must be crazy. For a number of reasons. The first being that I’m writing my first Spread Goodness® blog when I should probably be processing my feelings in my journal instead. But this feels like the place to start. Terrified. Completely vulnerable. And unsure of myself and uncertain the path forward leads me where I dream it could. If the dream wasn’t worth it, I wouldn’t be working so hard to reach it. I believe in dreaming big, in fact I named my first company Dream Big. I believe it so hard I encourage others on the path of their dreams as well. So why have I hit such resistance in this moment? The moment when my new vision is so close to becoming a reality and the small steps forward seem so easy. I’ve taken giant leaps, unrealistic risks, received countless reassurances that this is the path I am meant to be on, and yet today, I struggled to complete, nay attempt, the simplest tasks. When I asked myself, what am I so afraid of? I got the answer. To put enormous effort towards another vision, bypass life itself in pursuit of this magical vision, and still end up struggling as I have for the past 13 and a half years. You see I built something, really special, from the ground up that continues to persist, but just like so many entrepreneurs before me, alongside me and those to come, I’ve struggled to make ends meet both for me personally and the organization, despite the endless hours and nonstop efforts. I problem solve while I’m falling asleep at night, when I wake up in the early hours before dawn. It’s rare to go a full day over the weekend without some idea popping in my head whether it be more inspiration or another fix. I don’t know if I’ve truly had a full day off in 13.5 years. But that’s normal when you have a child, right? It’s normal when it actually is a child. But this, this is merely an idea I’ve birthed. It grows like a child, it has growing pains like a child, it needs constant care and attention like a child, it has emptied my pockets like children can, and I am SO incredibly proud of it as if it were my child and yet.
I have dreams of investing my time, energy and love into a family who can invest their time, energy, and love back into me. I believe I have somehow put that part of my life on hold because I was determined to see this through. And now, as I start to let go and hand off my first born into the care of an incredibly capable and loyal team, here I am choosing to create another vision. A vision I believe I have been groomed for all my life, that has felt divinely supported since the idea was planted like a seed in my mind just over 3.5 years ago, a vision I actually believe I have the experience, knowledge, passion and skillset to realize on such a grand scale in a way that no one else can. And isn’t that what they say is the essence of living a truly authentic life? Yet here I am, 3.5 years into developing these ideas on paper, 1 year into sharing it with people which has allowed momentum to build through passionate efforts made in my “spare” time, and now, all I have to do is begin to fully lean into it, calendarize my actions steps, as time ticks towards my promised exit date from the first business, an exit I have anticipated and prepared for for the past 4.5 years.
And what do I do? I freeze. Every time I went to fill in a spreadsheet with follow-up dates with potential partners, I went back to business number one. I know what that needs. I can always do more. But when I really stopped to listen to my fear and what was stopping me, tears started to roll. They rolled until my breath got uneasy and I felt the swelling of an anxiety attack. What if I fail? What if I can’t pay off my debt? What if I devote my life yet again to something that never becomes what I envision it to be and miss out on the life that could have been? I finally closed my computer, put on my yoga pants and went to Yin Yoga where I continued to cry for the first 15 minutes silently in the corner facing a wall in the small patch of wooden floor left when I arrived late to class, where I hoped no one would notice. I finally started to catch my breath when I grabbed my journal and wrote, “I am terrified.” There. My fear was acknowledged. I was heard. And I continued breathing through gentle yoga poses and meditation.
So now that I’ve gotten all that off my chest, I choose this path again. Why? Because that’s what entrepreneurs do. We risk passionately. And for most of us, there’s no other choice. I choose to start this journey with you, sharing my truth in the rawest of forms. I hope in getting to know me, you see that I will always be honest with you. We’re here to spread goodness. Goodness comes in all packages. In truth, in pain, in glory, in giving, in sacrifice, in seeing each other amidst our differences. It’s not always shiny, pretty and neatly packaged in a GoalCoast Video. But when it’s good, I mean really good, it’s real. And that’s the adventure I want to embark on with you today, in this moment, where you found me. We are in this life together, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part. We’re used to hearing that when people are bound together in marriage. But can it somehow relate to all of us? Imagine what the world would look like if it did.
I believe what the world needs now is love sweet love. And sometimes that type of love requires a limitless source of vulnerability. So this seems like the perfect place to start. And so, the adventure begins….